It’s after 2 pm on a Monday. On a lunch break from a slow work day. Generating numbers and closing out the last year’s work. Rather mundane and boring at times.
Had lots of time to think about my current situation in life and reflect on recent reactions.
I’m 48 years old. I think I have posted that fact quite often lately. It’s a milestone in my life but not quite 50 yet. If you believe in traditional roles, then I should be at a mid-career point and looking towards retirement on the horizon. I thought that’s where I would be but I’m not. I am in fact starting over again.
Not only am I starting over work wise but also in the relationship area too. Both are daunting tasks for me coupled with the depression and anxiety. I wake up most days just wanting to stay in bed and cry because I feel so lost and alone in all of this.
Recent events at work have left me feeling pointless and well, rather used. I have put forth great effort in my work by making sure to stay on top of things, making priorities, and sticking to timelines for completion. I started out feeling like my opinions mattered and was being taking seriously. It was great feeling needed and counted on again. Then it all changed in just a few short months.
The issue of fairness, equitable treatment, and proper behavior between co-workers, clients and me finally came to blows. Two co-workers left and the remaining person doesn’t trust me that much anymore or so it seems. His demeanor has changed.
I now have a new set of expectations and it’s different than before. Every email sent by me is questioned and now requires approval. I now have to schedule my lunches and expected to be there at a set time. These are changes implemented after the last employee was let go. We have two new people who don’t seem to have the same expectations. I feel singled out. It’s hard to concentrate some days. I feel so alone and I don’t want to be there anymore.
Then there is this online relationship. I’ve been talking to this person for over a year and a half now. He is way too young for me, I know this. My expectations of what a relationship should be is different than what he expects. It is frustrating to me most of the time.
I want someone who will talk to me, all the time. He doesn’t like to talk much and it turns into arguments most of the time. I want to know about his daily life, no matter how boring or mundane he says it is. I just want to feel like I’m there with him. He finds it obtrusive and annoying.
Then there are days when we talk and it’s really nice. He shares with me different things about himself, the things he likes, or his culture occasionally. Those are the days I love the most. I feel like I belong in his life.
We got into an argument over the weekend. I apologized for my words because I knew it was my own frustration causing the anger I was feeling. He didn’t do anything wrong. He hasn’t talked to me since. I feel like a part of me is dying at the moment. The anxiety and depression are there making everything feel heightened. It has been hard to concentrate without crying. The thoughts of losing him have caused such a feeling of sadness and despair. My own behavior and inability to control my thoughts and overreactions are creating it. I love him and want to be with him. Now I have to wait and see if he still wants to be with me. I’m in agony.
Lastly, there is the issue with finances still looming over me. I’m trying to figure out how to make everything work without asking for help from my children. When I do, it causes anger and mistrust among them. It hurts knowing that my children feel this way about me. So I keep it to myself when they say hurtful things. I just sit there and smile like nothing is wrong while inside my heart hurts. I know they don’t do it intentionally but sometimes I feel like I’m being attacked.
The reactions I have to these situations I know are from years of being abused by people who supposedly cared and loved me. In reality they didn’t. I was just there to be used or controlled by them.
The idea of love is not something that I can imagine in my life without being hurt by it. My mind tells me that I am wrong for thinking that way but it has been so ingrained into my thought processes it gets in the way most of the time. So I make a lot of assumptions about people and how they are treating me.
It’s hard for me to let go of the idea that they are all out to hurt me. I struggle with it every day and in every relationship or interaction with people. I cannot trust people fully. It is an emotional barrier that is hard to overcome no matter how much I try. That nagging thought in the back of my mind saying “They don’t love you and never will” or the thought “They just want something from you, they don’t care”.
So it is a struggle most days but not always. There are days when I feel great. I’m happy to be around everyone and the love I feel for my children and boyfriend keeps me smiling. Just thoughts of them during the day helps make the time go faster so I can get home to hear their voices or read their messages. I love those days. That’s how my days should always be.
Unfortunately time doesn’t heal all wounds. There are still deep rooted scars underneath the surface and they hurt. The anxiety and depression makes the scars come to the surface and I try hard to ignore it but most times I fail.
Those are the times when I withdraw from everyone and try to be by myself. I have to work on the thoughts on my own and sort through them. Years of therapy and counseling have taught me how so I try to remember everything that is good in my life. I find the things that I am grateful for in my life. Those positive reinforcements help get me through the wave of emotions that make me feel like I’m drowning. Then once the emotional flood is done, I am this drained person who just sleeps, barely eats, and struggles with simple daily tasks.
It’s exhausting living in this mindset of being alone with a heart that wants to love and be loved. It’s exhausting to live with this carefree soul that wants a bright beautiful world but always sees ugliness and darkness. It’s exhausting to want to live in the colorful vivid moment but still on the edge with the shades of gray from the past. It’s exhausting being me.
Thank you for taking the time to stop by.
Have a wonderful week!
Peace, love, happiness, and good vibes to you, always!