January 13th, 2019
It is a Sunday evening. Twice today I got into an argument with my online relationship. Same topic different day. We have never actually settled it from previously.
After I got mad, unfollowed and blocked him on all social media I then proceeded to tell him that it wasn’t for me anymore. I just didn’t know how to make things right. We continued to argue over it and what I said. He then said he had enough of the conversation and logged off.
So at this point, I don’t know where this is going or if it is still is.
After a short while of contemplation, I went back and changed all my social media accounts back. I took my frustration out and wrote a poem, posted it on Instagram and tagged him in it.
This is the world of dating and relationships now. I miss the days of actually talking to a person, face to face so it can be worked out or ended. I know this is a long distance relationship with someone I met online and I’m still trying to be patient with it.
I sit here and think maybe my children are right, that it just doesn’t matter who the person is friends with or follows. It doesn’t always mean anything. Then why does it bother me so much?
I know I’ve talked to him before about my previous marriage and the issues we had. I told him about the infidelity that was committed by both of us during that time.
So now here I am 5 years later, marriage done and over with, non-existent ex-husband, and still alone. Embarking on this year-long journey toward a relationship with a much younger person. Trying to figure out the rules to relationships now and not doing very well.
The old thoughts on relationships don’t apply anymore. Here’s what I have discovered.
Today, people are constantly on the go. Trying to live bigger and better than before. It has become a world of excess and little privacy. Those that seek privacy are questioned as to what are they hiding? When in fact there may not be anything there. They just want to keep their lives private.
Yet, at the same time, I see these other people with their tongues hanging out, doing outrageous things, showing everything they were born with and in provocative poses, some claiming to be a virgin or waiting for that Mr. or Mrs. Right, how could they ever be taken seriously?
It is a confusing time for me. My thoughts being that the only thing that should be considered is are you living your best life? Are you living up to your full potential and if not how are you going to get there? We all have something to contribute to the world but only if first, we think about how we live.
This is something that doesn’t change no matter what time period we live in. Love is just that love. It is an emotional bond and connection we make with another. There should be no boundaries of who we love and why. Yet, nowadays it so muddled under so many things tied to it that have nothing to do with love.
It has become who made the biggest and most lavish proposal? It has become how many countries can be visited together? It has become a comparison of material things and no longer about a feeling. It now has a price tag.
Love is the feeling of spending time with the other. The little everyday things that make it meaningful. It is no longer about the value love brings to one’s life.
Ranting and raving over every little thing. There is and will always be strife or discord in the world. This is nothing new. Yet, there is a whole generation of young people who are taking everything to the extreme.
Relationships, jobs, money, politics, and even their own identities. Life is something meant to be experienced and to grow from. When you die you can’t take anything with you; just your memories. Memories die with you. The only ones that will stay are those created by you with others.
We have forgotten that there are so many wonderful things in the world. Things that can make us happy if we just let it. People who truly care about us. People from all walks of life that we can learn from. People who will keep us young by making us enjoy ourselves and laugh.
So all these things I had to sit and contemplate on after our argument today. I had to remember that these are the things that I prayed about and wanted for so long. I have been working on them for so long that I forgot and it didn’t seem like they truly existed, for me at least.
I have this person, who has never met me, trying in earnest to be with me. He tells me he loves me every day. He tells me goodnight and to sleep well almost every night. We have talked almost every single day. I keep finding fault in him or his actions and it is unintentional. I have become so jaded by the past that I can’t truly fathom a future without strife or discord. My mind cannot believe that the things that I wanted the most to live, love, and laugh are at hand. They are before me and I keep pushing it away. I keep waiting for it be over.
I was hurt deeply by my past relationships. I could not find fault in them but found all of mine. I blamed myself for the failures. I never believed I was good enough, never pretty enough, never smart enough, or never woman enough for any of them, even the ones that treated me poorly. That is the issue. I never had true faith and confidence in myself.
I let others dictate to me how I was supposed to be when it came to relationships. I never found my voice when it came to love. I never truly experienced it otherwise I wouldn’t be so afraid of it.
I had these lofty ideals about love but the harsh reality is that love is only as good as you believe it to be. Every person has a different definition of what love is to them. Some believe gestures or tokens of love are the true measures.
The true measure of love is how it makes you feel.
I love the way you make me feel. I love you more than anything. I wake up excited every day because I get to talk to you. Even the most mundane conversation makes me happy. When we don’t talk right away, I get anxious to hear from you.
You were right, I get jealous. I am jealous and don’t want others to take your attention away from me. Your friends are these beautiful women who are closer to your age, you are or were attracted to them at one point in your life. That makes me feel insecure.
I don’t think I can compete with them. Then I remember, I am not in competition with them for your affection. You talked to me first and kept this conversation going despite all my craziness. If you wanted to be with them, then you would be.
I have more to offer you than they ever will. That is my confidence. The ability to make your life better. I have built up other men and women to be successful, not only in my personal life but in my professional life as well. I know that is what I am good at.
I know that the jealousy, insecurity, and my age are all the factors that cause our arguments. Those were the issues. I cannot change them but I can learn how. That’s where you come in. I need someone in my life that knows that these don’t mean a lot to me, that their love for me means so much more. That’s what I live and work hard for; love.
I don’t want to be alone and still searching for these things. That’s why I keep talking to you. That’s why I apologize when I do. If you still see the value of my love and this relationship then we will keep going. If not, that is okay too. I know that I will continue on.
Thank you for stopping by.
Have an awesome week!