August 21, 2018
State of Emotion – Fear: Jealously and Mistrust reaction
I was looking through previous posts and realized how far I have come from that very first entry over 3 years ago. The idea for this blog was going to be about cake decorating, sugar art, and related topics. The first writings were about those very things. A secondary blog is still in development separating those topics from the current writings.
Then one day I wrote an article about the way I felt about an online romance scam. I had, unfortunately, fell victim to an unscrupulous person but the outcome was helping to propel my thoughts in a different direction. So despite the negative experience, my outlook was more positive than previous to that incident. That first writing generated more views than any of the other writings prior to the two years before then.
I had found what readers were interested in, the same thing that every human being craves, a connection to another. A meaningful relationship that makes us not only feel love and friendship but also that we are safe.
So I kept writing about everything that I was encountering and it was helping tremendously in conjunction with my weekly counseling sessions. Every misguided attempt at making an online connection with someone, getting past that very first person, and facing the past issues had been brought forth during counseling. This was all written about and put out there for others. The action of writing my thoughts down in whatever form that came to mind was and has been quite cathartic.
Now it is over a year later and things have finally started to become more stable. I believe the wave of depression that I was riding on has finally gone back up and leveled out. It is more manageable now. Moments of high anxiety are met with positive reinforcement and don’t last quite as long as before. I have figured out how to move through it quickly to calm the thoughts. It doesn’t always work but there are less high anxiety moments than previously so things mentally are moving in a more positive direction.
So today I am writing over the emotional states that we all encounter but each of us handles or perceives it differently.
Fear is “An unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain or a threat.”
I have found over the last few years since I started down this path that fear is my biggest foe. Most people encounter this in their daily life and most have a reasonable thought process when dealing with this emotion. The person with major depression, anxiety, and recovering from trauma, the fear is a constant threat.
Instead of moving through things quickly and logically a person with depression will process it differently. The fear of hurt, pain or sometimes death is very real; to our minds. We may act irrationally. Some may clam up and withdraw. Others may relive the moments that caused them the pain or hurt. To an outsider, a depressed person sometimes can’t “just get over it”.
So when these moments of “fear” occur within my thoughts the first gut reaction is to revert to mistrust and sometimes jealousy. At first, I understood the reaction of mistrust. I grew up learning that people around me could not be trusted. Whether it was so-called friends, school bullies, uncaring/bigoted teachers, or abusive parents, I encountered this on a daily basis until I was 18. It was at that point that the years of mistrust turned into anger and a hot temper that eventually died out.
It was the jealousy part that sometimes occurs that didn’t really make sense to me. Then one day I read the following on the Psychology Today website:
“Jealousy can be a major relationship problem…low self-esteem, neuroticism: a general tendency to be moody, anxious, and emotionally unstable, feelings of insecurity and possessiveness, dependence on your partner, feelings of inadequacy in your relationship…fearing that you’re not good enough for your partner, and an anxious attachment style…fear that your partner will leave you or won’t love you enough.” That’s when it made sense because one of the things that we discussed at length were these very feelings and a sense of abandonment that I associated with it. The fear of being alone.
This fear of being alone has turned into a form of jealousy that comes up quite frequently within my relationships with others. This jealousy is a misguided attempt at trying to maintain the status quo of the relationship with another. Unfortunately, this behavior has caused quite a long list of failed relationships and friendships throughout the years.
So as I continue moving forward the mood swings that would come with the depression and anxiety have started to lessen.
I can now start looking back at where I was 4 years ago and know that no matter what I’m feeling at the moment that I came a long way to get here that it is just a moment. To be patient, it will pass.
That no matter what I’m feeling, that I got this. The previous thoughts have no bearing on who I am now or who I can become tomorrow.
Allowing the moments of jealousy and mistrust to take over during those high anxiety moments will do nothing but cause irreparable damage to what I am trying to build; a long-lasting relationship.
As I continue moving forward with my online relationship I have to allow what I am feeling to come through; true love and trust for the other person. The one thing I’ve never allowed into my life fully. It is truly time to let go of all that remains of my past failures and focus on my future wins. To not be afraid anymore of what may be but to instead embrace the possibilities.
Have an awesome week!
May you always find peace, love, happiness, and good vibes every day.
Thank you so much for your support of my blog.