Filling the void.

July 12, 2018

The summer sun is slowing setting and the green trees are casting their shadows. The house is very quiet.  The only sound is the hum of a fan blowing in the kitchen.

The kids are off doing their own thing and my online relationship person is nowhere to be seen at the moment.

Listening to the droning of the silence fills my thoughts and it makes me anxious. I want to fill this empty void with something, anything.  This is something that always causes the anxiety to start rising, silence.

The need to talk with someone about anything is constant and becomes overwhelming.

I know as a mother of four kids when they were little, I cherished the moments of silence not realizing how much I would miss their noise as they got older.

Now soon they will all be off on their own and I will be trying to get used to less noise which has been more stressful than I thought it would be.

This need to fill the moments of silence has been causing discord between myself and the online person plus my children as well.  I like filling the time with conversations but most view it as idle chit-chat with no purpose.

So I feel rejected when they don’t want to keep talking and I know it is because of the anxiety or depression.  I get upset sometimes.  Hopefully, they understand that it has nothing to do with them, that it is just me so I apologize if I got too out of hand.

Most of the times when I start feeling overwhelmed, I am here, writing and posting my thoughts.  It has been tremendously helpful at times.

I have always felt this void in my life.  Constantly waiting for it be filled with something but I don’t know what it is.  Companionship, accomplishment, or a purpose?  So I’ve tried in vain throughout my life to fill it with little success.

The void is still there.  This emptiness that sometimes feels all-consuming to me.  I know this void can be something that is positive for my life but that requires being able to quiet the thoughts to see this as the time to reflect or meditate on things in my life.  A moment of silence.  That’s hard to do for someone with anxiety and depression.

Thoughts get cluttered and clouded by the everyday life.  Worries over finances, bills, food, clothing, medical care, or just having enough gas for your car.  Throw in the mix every little subtle nuance of living with others and their personalities.  Top that off with your own hopes, dreams, and desires, it can become overwhelming.

That moment of silence can become very noisy, very quickly.

So my whole life has been trying to fill the void in order to not face my own inner thoughts.  I knew I would not like what I would see there.  The truth of who I am and the life I have lived.

That moment of emptiness that I feel reminds me that I have taken things for granted for too long. My life, all though tragic at times, has not been that bad.  I was very lucky to have been born in a country where I can let others hear my voice if I want to.  I grew up in a time where I was told that I could have it all as a woman.  A career and family, I just had to work harder than men to accomplish it.  Not perfect but life isn’t perfect.

This emptiness could be filled with me focusing on how to accomplish my dreams but most of the time I just feel tired and want to sleep.

So as time progresses over the next month and the next year, I will have to face that void in my life head-on. I can’t back down now because I have come too far and put up with so much bullshit to get here.

I have to remember that I can face that void alone if I need to because love is also not guaranteed in life.

I will be tested over the next couple of weeks when all my kids leave to go on a trip while I start my new job.  I will be coming home to an empty house with only two cats to keep me company.  It will give me time to figure out how I want to live my life after the last one leaves next year.

So this void has been there my whole life. I can’t be afraid of it. I can, instead, accept it then begin to change it.

Thank you for stopping by.

Have a great week!

Peace, love, happiness, and good vibes.

Suzanne

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