January 20, 2018
It’s this beautiful, sunny, winter day. Blue skies and a slight breeze. Temperatures in the 60’s which is uncommon for this time of year after the round of frigid temps the week before. It’s a good day to be happy and grateful for a new day.
Then why am I sitting here crying and why are those feeling still here?
It’s riding that wave again. The same one I’ve been riding on since I was twelve. That’s when it started and my life was never to be easy again.
Fast forward 34 years later and I cannot remember a time when I was truly happy with my life. It has always had its share of turmoil, regret, sadness, heartbreak, and most of all loneliness. That’s the hardest thing to face out of all it. Loneliness.
I had moments of joy that are always in my thoughts when I feel like this. The birth of my children, being a wife, being a soldier, being an aunt and my own business. These life vests are there to keep me afloat if I start falling. Yet, despite these moments, the inevitable overwhelming feeling of loneliness is still there under the surface, a heavy weight that wants to pull me under.
So I spent this past year of 2017 working to change how I felt about being alone. To change the thinking that it was okay to be alone. That I was this strong person who could be self-sufficient, accomplished and happy. It didn’t quite work.
I know that I am perfectly capable of accomplishing whatever I set my sights on. I’ve proven this over and over again before in spite of the depression and anxiety. I would excel and revel in the fact that I was the “best”. I lived for it. The thrill of competition and winning. Yet despite knowing this, lately it has become “What’s the point?”
Then I spent a good amount of time trying to figure out what other things can I be good at? Having spent so much on “things” and “projects” then arranging, organizing, and setting up a workspace to accomplish all of these ideas. Yet, I haven’t completed anything. A box full of incomplete projects is all I have to show for it. Toying with the idea of focusing on them and selling them is the latest thoughts. A work in progress that hasn’t quite been realized yet.
The rest of the time I focused on developing relationships that I still consider not “normal” but unfortunately it is becoming the norm. Online relationships and dating.
This has failed miserably. At the current count, there are approximately 8 different conversations going on with people from all over the world. It’s exhausting and not mentally fulfilling. I feel lonelier with every chat, text message and video call.
Most of the time, I just feel like I’m there at their whim without any consideration of my feelings. Just this face they saw on social media, they saw something in me and made contact. Yet, when I start to bring that up I get resistance. I start to feel guilty like it’s my fault. It is becoming this vicious cycle of emotional stress.
I know that isn’t normal and a part of it goes back to the scars that are still healing from the emotional abuse from the previous marriage and other relationships. So I backed off from the ones I video chat with and then blocked some of the ones I text only with. Yet despite this, I continue to talk with new ones that pop up. It has to stop but it is, right now, the only means of “contact” I have with other people whether they are honest or not.
Recently, on New Year’s Eve, this guy contacted me and we had this really great conversation that went on for over 5 hours. It was the most fun I’ve had out all of the conversations I’ve been in over the last year. I became hopeful that maybe this one was different. We seemed to really click with each other and hit it off well.
Then a week into this friendship my insecurities and doubts started creeping back in like they always do. I accused him of being a scammer because of what he said. It was similar to previous chats that went awry and where I was being scammed. Yet, I didn’t have any evidence that this is what was going on. I overreacted and got angry instead. Said some things that I regret, blocked him and told him I couldn’t talk to him anymore. It didn’t go well.
He came back, told me how he thought I was different and he had been into me too. My actions and words have now ended this going anywhere. He did text me again after a week, we have texted a few times since but I know it won’t be the same. I apologized for my words and actions. It’s now polite conversation and chit-chat. I feel so bad about it and I know it’s my own fault this time. I couldn’t keep my own frustrations with myself out of it and took it out on another person. He really was a nice guy.
It is after all of these “relationships” that I started having doubts about myself again. The thoughts that “I will always be alone” are now at the forefront of my thoughts this week. It has taken hold and all I can do is to continue to ride this out until it goes back to my “normal” again. I know it will go back to normal again just not sure how long this is going to take. It’s already been 2 weeks now of feeling this way but the heaviest has been the last 3 days so maybe it’s almost over. I can only hope.
The title of this post is “What happened to my Life” and all I know is that life continued that’s what happened. I can’t change the past. I can’t change what happened to me along the way. I can’t forget these things because it got me to where I am today. It wasn’t perfect, some points in this timeline were tragic but time continued on, dragging me with it. I remember this every day. That I survived the life I was given so far. That I am still here. That I don’t know when it will end.
The only thing I can do is focus on each day, make each day better than the ones from the past, let go of the hurt, find trust in others again, love who I am, be proud of the things I’ve accomplished, keep striving to accomplish more, be a good person, allow others to love me, learn how to love others, keep living each day with a purpose, and remember the waves will still be there but I can learn to become a better surfer.
Thank you for stopping by.
May peace, love, happiness, and good vibes find you always, wherever you are in the world.