January 7, 2018
The first week of the New Year is coming to an end.
My children are back in school and my eldest daughter has returned back to college. It was nice having them all here for winter break.
During the past couple of weeks, there have been numerous online chats occurring between myself and others. Some didn’t last and some were the typical scam artists searching for something but were quickly discovered and blocked.
One conversation, in particular, is still ongoing and it seems to be going well, for now anyway.
During one of our chats, he asked who was my best friend and I didn’t have an answer.
I don’t do best friends. Don’t get me wrong, I have had plenty of friends throughout my lifetime but they were mainly people who I worked or went to school with at that time. Once I no longer worked in the same place or once a class was over that was pretty much it. I was never thought of again. We would try to maintain contact but the friendship would just fade away.
I always describe it as being “forgettable”. It has occurred so much in my life that sometimes it doesn’t even phase me. I know that I will always be the center of a group of people who are brought together because of me but, they usually end up becoming best friends among themselves while I become “forgettable”. It’s almost like that was my purpose for being there in the first place.
So I always described myself as a loner. Then I did this online personality test that stated that I was half and half. That made sense because there is something that attracts people to me or me to them but they never stay for very long or I get annoyed being around them. I’ve been told that I have this quiet, strong, and aloof personality. I’ve had a lot of fun hanging out with others, lots of memorable moments but once it was over, it was over. I don’t really know how to change it and to others, it seems like a sad, lonely, existence. Some days it feels that way but then the thought of constantly being on the go or around with others seems so exhausting. I prefer the thought of being around them in small brief moments that are less overwhelming.
A thought about the way I interact with others is that it is most likely being affected by the major depressive disorder which isn’t going away soon but can be managed.
I waver between the thought of being in an actual relationship because of the feeling of being “forgettable”. I just don’t think that I want to feel vulnerable and open again to another to only have it not work out. The depression will only make this scenario worse.
Any relationship that has any chance of working out for the long-term will have to be with a person that understands this and is willing to work with it otherwise it will never keep moving forward, stall, and then just die off or end.
So as I sit here and mull over these things as well as the person’s question of a best friend, at first it kind of bothered me. I thought, well, everyone should have that one person, the person that has your back and you have theirs. The person you share your thoughts with and they share theirs with you. The one you can’t wait to share the good news with or the one you want to be there to help you through the bad. Yet, that has never been at the top of my list of things that were important in my life.
I have always been this strong-willed, determined, and independent person not because I wanted to be but due to necessity. So relying on others was not always possible and mistrust became an issue. A best friend never had the opportunity to develop.
This opportunity for lasting friendships has been prevalent in my own children’s lives and sometimes makes me envious of them. They have always had people in their lives that care and want the best for them. They don’t know how lucky they are.
There are some of us out here still looking in as the outsider, knowing that we can become a part of other’s lives but there is a part of us that will always be, sometimes not by choice, forgettable.
Thank you for your continued support.
May peace, love, happiness, and good vibes be with you always.