Day not forgotten – Finding strength

09/11/17

The world view changed that day.

No longer seen as this bright and hopeful place, it was dulled by tragedy, sadness, tears, and anger.

The depression and anxiety were compounded by the sense of helplessness, wanting to be there for the strangers I did not know. I cried for days.

It seemed like the broadcasts went on for an eternity. Images that can never be unseen, even now 16 years later.  Unable to continue watching after the first day because the need to focus on children and to keep them from the feeling the effects was of utmost importance.  I tuned it out.

The first few weeks seemed like they were moving in slow motion.  The already fragile relationship with my spouse was overwhelmed by the events unfolding.  He was born Middle Eastern a Syrian.  The thoughts he went through were unfounded but it was his own inner battle that fueled it.  He was paranoid about what others thought of him despite the reassurance that I tried to give to him.  He watched the broadcasts day and night like a person on mission to find truth in what happened. It is hard to explain even now.  He tuned us out.

Later, years later, he explained that watching the coverage every day helped numb the pain he felt.  It helped him put up this unseen barrier that affected him from that point forward.

That day changed both of us and our relationship with each other was never the same.

In relationships, ones that hold together, when faced with a traumatic event and manages to work through it to become stronger in the end.  These will be lasting.  The individuals know they can depend on each other and the bond is greater.

Then you have relationships that falter under the pressure. Unfortunately, ours was not strong and was already beginning to crumble before that event in our lives.  It was just another thing to add to our long list of grievances with one another.  Another thing to hold over each other in times of anger.  It was just a part of the unhealthy relationship.

I still to this day cannot talk about it without overwhelming emotion coming forward usually resulting in tears.  The same familiar pain in my heart and soul for the human beings that were lost that day. That same feeling of wanting to do so much more. That same feeling of wanting to protect my children.  So I avoid watching any broadcasts on it and keep myself occupied as much as possible.

The one positive that came out of that day was the knowledge that within myself I had the strength to carry on without another person there to save me.

I knew that I was much stronger than I ever gave myself credit for and wasn’t going to let that go away.

I knew that this overwhelming love, caring, understanding and compassion for another human being, even someone that I did not know, makes me better as a person.

That I can still maintain hope for the best and work to make things better not only for myself and my children but for humanity as well.  It’s inside all of us.  We just have look within ourselves to find it.

So that day will always be remembered and not forgotten by any of us.  That day changed not only how we viewed the world, each other but for some, how we viewed ourselves.

Today is not a day of sadness it is a day to renew the vow made to not forget, to make the world better for those who were left behind and for those that did not get to move on with us.

Thank you for stopping by.

I hope that peace, love, happiness and positive vibes find you today.

Have a great week!

Suzanne

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