August 1, 2017
I was sitting here eating my lunch and had posted a pic to Instagram about it when the thoughts of how ironic that moment was came into my thoughts.
Anxiety and depression are my constant companion. I’ve written numerous blog posts about it or in relation to how it affects not only myself but the relationships I have with others.
I found irony in the fact that as a person who was diagnosed with major depressive disorder because of 3 suicide attempts over a 3 year period, I was so concerned with my diet and not eating salt.
Not eating salt, cutting back on sugar, no fried foods, no junk or snack foods, no dairy, a whole list of foods that I don’t eat to include red meat, quitting smoking, losing weight and taking up exercise all because I have high blood pressure and a family history of heart disease and diabetes. So I can prolong my lifespan and avoid the risk of having bad health.
I also don’t take any medications prescribed or otherwise and have refused anti-depressant, blood pressure and cholesterol pills because I don’t want the side effects they have the potential to cause.
All these steps and measures to keep me healthy mentally and physically so I can live a long life. Yet at one point and the thoughts still occasionally come up I wanted to no longer “exist”.
The only positive side of all of this is the effect everything has had on my own self-determined existence. I found peace and solace in others who felt or feel the same way. I see it in the things they post or talk about. I realized that I wasn’t alone and not the only one.
It has become a comforting notion that I can be happier one day. That the negative thoughts that walk like a shadow with me will, one day, not be there.
I look forward to the day when I can actually love someone with my whole heart without being afraid of getting hurt.
The anticipation of completing this long, arduous journey to reaching my personal goals is still in front of me. I never gave up the notion of achieving them despite the depression and anxiety. It became my saving grace.
After the three breakdowns to my mental state the psyche just compartmentalized everything and only lets things out a little at a time to deal with. Today was anxiety filled after my walk this morning, who knows why? I should have been okay after the exercise but something was off, it went on for a few hours, I had a temporary headache and it finally subsided.
I feel better now after listening to music, writing a bit, grabbing a bite to eat and drinking some hot tea.
Refocusing the thoughts to something more positive and not letting them dwell too long on things that I cannot change; the past. I grow weary of the same repetitive thoughts playing out in my conscience and get frustrated at myself. This frustrations sometimes turns into anger and I work hard to turn these misguided feelings into something creative instead.
So the irony is despite the thoughts of not wanting to exist still there, I’m learning how to live instead.
Thank you for stopping by.
Have a great week!
May peace, love and happiness fill your day with positive vibes.