July 2, 2017
I’ve written numerous time before about the anxiety, depression and suicidal thoughts that I have lived with most of my life. One part of my life this has always affected is relationships. Not only with family and friends but with men in general.
This overall feeling of being “worthless” affected my self-esteem so much that I was always skeptical of every man who ever paid attention to me. It didn’t matter how sincere they were, I could never believe it and thought they were all just “using” me for whatever they wanted. Maybe some were but I know most weren’t.
“Timing is everything” is often said when it comes to making or contemplating changes in one’s life but what if time isn’t the issue? What if the true issue is just plain old “doubt”? When you have depression and anxiety simple “doubts” that are minor are expanded and made to look larger than they really are, it can be overwhelming.
As part of my ongoing counseling, my therapist and I discussed this blog as a tool for aiding me when I needed to vent and no one was available.
So today, one of the issues that I’m still dragging around is the online relationship that ended so badly in March of this year. I wrote previously the words that “He” spoke to me but what I failed to show is how I responded to them. The reason I waited to put it out there because I had to contemplate and analyze my own actions. I had to be able to dissect it all and see why I reacted the way I did to be able to manage it better the next time.
Well it is the next time, I’ve been conversing with another individual for a little while and I don’t want to make the same mistakes again. I don’t know where this “online” relationship is going to go but have to be patient and wait to see. Something that I’m still struggling with is patience so this is a real test of things I’ve learned over the last 3 to 4 months. I just know, that no matter what, I will be okay. If it doesn’t work it doesn’t work but I can’t dig a hole and bury myself in it again. The “doubts” will have to be faced and I know I’m stronger now than I was 4 months ago.
So here it goes the thoughts and words that went through my mind during this brief chapter of my life.
Response to “Life is a sweet journey…” 2/23/17
“I am so overwhelmed and not sure what I should be feeling at the moment.
I wanted to say how grateful I am to you being forthright and open about the things you’ve experienced in your life.
You have a lot of the same ideals and thoughts about how life should be lived that I’ve been striving to find in another person pretty much my whole life.
I’ve always been in search of someone who likes to read and never stops learning or self-improving. Someone who works hard and is educated because you can’t get anywhere without it. In that same respect they also know how to separate their work life from their home life. They know how to enjoy and experience new things or at least willing to try because life is too short and time is all we have.
The way you spoke about reading and how it paints pictures in your mind is why I enjoy reading. It’s one thing that can quiet your mind and expand it at the same time. It’s quiet entertainment for your brain.
I am a creative person by nature and enjoy crafting many different things but my passion is cake decorating & sugar art. It has become the one thing that kept me going even when things got pretty bleak I was still able to find the beauty and create from it.
I love listening to music and it is a great mood enhancer and motivator. Some of the music you sent are some of the same ones on my playlists or things I still have on CD’s in my car. 🙂
Watch not only movies that surprise or make me laugh but ones that can make me cry too has been keeping me going. I’m a sucker for sappy romantic movies.
You enjoy some of the same things which was surprising. I grew up loving to fish because those were the best times spent with my grandfather who I adored but haven’t been since he passed.
My favorite seasons are fall because its sweater & bonfire weather and spring because I love the smell of rain when it first falls on the ground, the newness and green everywhere.
My favorite color is red but I recently started wearing a lot more blue this past year because my friends told me I looked better in blue. My closet is filled with both.
I think chivalry, gracefulness and tact are still important and something lacking in society today. Men should be gentlemen and Women should be ladies.
I love to dance but unfortunately haven’t had a dancing partner since before I got married. The feeling of getting lost in the music is so much better with someone you can be with in that moment.
I love seafood but it’s been pretty much limited to fish and shrimp. I’m not much of calamari fan just can’t get past the way it looks.
I like the fact that you want someone in your life that can be independent and handling things on their own but also wanting to be there for them when they need you. I’ve spent my life always being that one person everyone depended on but never getting the same in return. I got burnt out on it and ended relationships because I need things to be a two-way street that we are at least going in the same direction for a majority of it. I have plans that I want to accomplish and call my own. That’s why I’m in school struggling to finish what I started so long ago and I’m almost to the finish line.
So like I said yesterday, I’m perfectly capable of taking care of things on my own but it would be nice to have someone there to talk to, share things with and just enjoy each other’s company while deciding where it will end up going. I’ve been looking for someone who wants to not only share their life with me but also values what I bring into the relationship as well. I’ve always felt it was important to be able to share feelings and emotions within the safety and comfort of that significant other.
If you had talked to me about marriage over 3 years ago, I would have been dead set against it. Mainly because I felt like such a failure and was certain that it was not meant for me. A lot of therapy and counseling sessions later have changed my opinions about it and it brought back that hope of finding someone again. I did a lot of praying, soul-searching and contemplation of what I wanted from another which restored my faith back in men in general.
So I don’t want to over think things again, not be so set in my ways and open up to another because the next time is going to be forever but this time I want someone with the same ideals and going in that same general direction. I hope this has given you a little more information about me as well.
Hope to hear from you soon. “
Response to “A relationship based on friendship” dated 2/26/17 and “Sensitive people” dated 2/26/17
“I was lying here thinking about everything that transpired this week and it doesn’t seem real.
On the long drive back from Denver after my driving time was done I got to just sit back, listen to my music and think about things.
I can’t believe someone like you would be interested in me. You appear to be this awesome, extremely handsome guy who could be with anyone but for some reason you want to talk to me. Everything we’ve talked about and shared is how I always pictured in my mind what I wanted from a partner in life but it was never that way before.
This is where the shadows of my past begin to plague me. I’ve been there before with people in relationships and got hurt. Whether they were friendships or relationships it didn’t matter, I let people take advantage because I thought it was the only way they would like me and the only reason why they wanted to be around me. I felt so alone.
It makes it hard to fully remove that wall that I built around my heart to protect me even though I desperately want to. It’s one of the main reasons I started going to counseling 3 years ago because I couldn’t be open and trusting of anyone. It affects how I view myself as a person and as a woman.
I’ve never thought of myself as anything more than average sometimes less than that. It affected my self-esteem so much I stopped believing in myself and was slowly spiraling down and had given up hope.
Then during one of my sessions the counselor wanted me tell her all my strengths and accomplishments. So I talked about my military service, my cake decorating awards and my children. At the end she just smiled and said “Do you know how much your face lit up just letting me know about yourself?” She told me that I have to remember that when I approach anything that I want in life that people don’t know the real me because I never tell them or let them see. I can never assume because I’m not a mind reader. That my past is just that the past. It can’t be undone. It can’t be changed. It made me who I am. I made mistakes, learned from them and became ready to move on.
So this is me. Taking a chance. Trusting you and hoping you see the real me.
I have all this love to give and just need someone willing to take a chance on this nerdy, cake girl with four children. I love to laugh and be silly. I love to dance even though I’m not that great. I have a million ideas but not enough time. I want so much in life that it’s hard to put into words. I’m sentimental and can cry way too easily when I see the injustice in things. I want to save the world but same days I just want to stay home in my PJs and watch movies all day.
I eat junk when I’m stressed out and lose motivation when it comes to exercise way too quickly but eventually get back to it.
These are just some of the things about me should know before deciding if you want to continue down this path we started.
I hope you do decide to stick with it because I really do like you. You’ve made the last week the best time of my life so far, even though we haven’t even met yet but I’m fine with baby steps until we’re both ready.
Thank you for being you and finding me.”
Response to “A few Confession…” dated 3/1/17
“You intrigued my curiosity when I saw your profile pic. It made me smile. I thought there’s a story there. So much so that after you sent me that first email asking to talk further, I removed my… profile. I only wanted to talk to you. I ignored any other requests and so happy that I did. I wasn’t looking for a hook up or people to date. Once I’m interested in someone that’s it for me. I’m a one man kind of woman. I don’t go seeking others and my full attention belongs to you. I wear my heart on my sleeve and that can be a problem sometimes. As you may have noticed already. My heart beats faster these days whenever I think of you and I’m walking around here with big grin on my face. I can’t stop smiling. You make me happy. My only problem is being impatient and wanting to know what it feels like to be in your arms and your body next to mine. I dream about what it’s like to kiss you. I have these random thoughts during the day of us laughing, dancing and just being together. Hence the distraction I texted about earlier. You have given me something no one else ever did. Hope for a lasting love. You’ve made me feel beautiful, wanted and desired. Things I’ve never felt before and scared to say it out loud. Like you stated earlier, I too have made mistakes along the way and hopefully continuing to grow from each one. I wanted you to know something and feel now is the time to tell you. When I first decided to end my marriage at the end of 2013 I spiraled out of control and hit bottom. I lost faith in myself and saw no point in going on. It was in that moment I asked God to send me someone who would love me just for being me, make me feel desired and wanted, someone who wanted to be with me. I asked for someone who could make me smile, laugh and just enjoy life. I’ve been waiting patiently for 3 years. Then one day I met this wonderful man on a dating site and my life changed. I’ve been praying that my heart be fully open to receive and accept another person in my life. I struggle because of my own insecurity but willing to try. I don’t know where this will lead to but ready to continue down this path with you. My heart and soul belongs to you.”
Response to “…Short of Words…” dated 3/10/17
It’s 5 am and I woke up to the sound of rain. As I lay there contemplating the day ahead my thoughts turned to you.
Panic started to set in as I lay there thinking about all that has transpired over the last few weeks. I realized the only thing between us is our words to each other. Our bond is our word. It was a scary and intimidating thought.
It was intimidating because I remembered the words that were spoken between me and others that I thought would hold true but it didn’t. I became cynical that words are cheap without trust. Those before you never truly believed or trusted me. In the end they went on and found others while I was left alone to try to figure out why.
That is when the panic started setting and the same old thoughts of “I’m not good enough for you or anyone” came into my mind. These are the same thoughts that drive me to constantly try to prove myself to others. It’s a weary battle I face every day. Self-sabotaging thoughts that have no merit or basis caused by men too afraid to actually reveal themselves to me. Instead they blamed me for everything that went wrong with themselves or between us and I believed them.
I don’t want to be that woman anymore and have spent the last several years working to push those thoughts out of my mind but they still occasionally come up. So I must have hope, faith and belief that your words are true.
I have to believe that as you go about your day and live the life you lead that the words spoken between us is enough to keep me in your thoughts as you meet other women out there. I only ask that if you change your mind that will at least be honorable and tell me the truth. I promise to do the same.
Well, I guess I will go for now. These rainy mornings call for my favorite Jane Austen movies and my coffee until the sun starts coming up.
Have a good day.
Response to “Knowing you…” dated 3/14/17
“I am again awestruck by the words you speak to me. It’s like I’m in a dream that I never want to wake up from. I also thank God for bringing you into my life. I asked for his guidance and he brought me to you. The comfort and security you bring to my mind and thoughts is something I’ve never felt before. The warmth and happiness I feel when I see your face makes my day brighter. Whenever I get a message or text from you my heart skips a beat and I take everything in and it becomes a part of me. You have given meaning to my life that I thought would never be possible. I searched and waited for so long to find that person that made my heart feel complete. I can’t believe I finally found you. I have thoughts of us living, loving and laughing together. I want to be everything for you and I want you to be the same. I will stand by you through the best and worst days. I will be there to comfort you when you are down and to celebrate your achievements. I will be there with you through it all. I promise to protect your heart and wrap it up safely within my own. I never knew what it meant to be in love or to be loved until I met you. I was lucky to find you. I knew that the moment I saw you. I had thoughts of wanting to spend my life with you that I was afraid to voice until now. I know that your kindness and love will always protect me. I want to be with you and only you. I have thoughts of just holding you, hearing your heartbeat and looking into your eyes. You have captured my heart completely. I have fallen madly and deeply in love with you. I’ll never be the same again.
With all my love forever”
Response to “…I can’t wait…” dated 3/15/17
“It’s 3:30 in the morning and I can’t sleep. If this had been a month ago, I would have been up worrying about the kids, bills, school or something else but this time there is a different reason I can’t sleep. It’s because I am happy and I want to spend every waking moment thinking about you.
I feel so overjoyed at the thought of you and it keeps my mind awake. I have never felt this way about someone who I’ve communicated with by only written words. It is a different kind of feeling. I love you. Those words have such an impact on me now more than they ever did before.
Those 3 little words make me feel like a different person. A person who will always be devoted to only you and I know that you will be devoted to me. It gives my heart and soul a sense of peace and joy. Knowing that out there is a person who loves me for me. The one thing I’ve been searching for my whole life. You saw in me the love and happiness waiting to be brought forward.
This peace and joy is also filling me with a sense of security about myself as a person. Something that has always been lacking in my life. Such a simple thing to say but hard for most people to do, I love you, can have such a great effect on a person’s psyche. It heals the internal wounds unseen by the world and transforms the person from the inside out. It makes them feel stronger physically, mentally and emotionally. This is how much the words you have spoken to me has changed my way of thinking about love all together.
Previously I would have been rushing through everything in a hurry to get to a point in a relationship and the flames of passion would extinguish pretty quickly. The slowing down, taking time to really know you and building a better relationship is much more satisfying and hopefully more lasting.
I look forward to the day we talk to each other in person and will patiently wait. Until then know that I will always be devoted and will always love only you.”
Response to “I woke a few moments ago…” dated 3/15/17
I’m not sure when you will see this but hopefully you will get it soon.
I have read your words over and over again about what you want our future to be like. It’s overwhelming to know that you have thoughts of us in that way. My heart is filled with an overabundance of joy knowing that some of the same things you thought about are some of the same things that were going through my mind as well.
My mind has seen us kissing in the rain, walking along, holding hands and quietly whispering sweet words to each other. I have thoughts of us naked by the fireplace and the passion consumes us until the wee hours of the morning. I had dreams of waking up in your arms and feeling the warmth of your body next to mine. I would lie there awake listening to your breath and heartbeat. I thought about us cooking dinner together and feeding one another as we went along while we talked and laughed about everything or anything. I saw us sitting on the couch drinking wine and getting into these heated discussions over things and it turning into a make out and groping session instead. I imagined us waking up to the sound of rain on the windows or roof and deciding to stay snuggled up in bed instead of getting up. I saw us walking along a beach, holding hands not saying much but just enjoying each other’s company. I could see cold winter days being cooped up in the house both of us reading books as we stayed warm under a shared blanket together. I saw us getting ready for work and then all of sudden we just look at each other, the clothes start coming off again and we end up rushing out of the house because now we are late. I saw us dancing together oblivious to the world around us and could feel the sway of our bodies together moving with the music. I imagined what it would be like to kiss you and find those perfect spots on your neck and ears that would drive you wild when my lips touched them. Just the thought of you touching me, whispering words of passionate desires and needs makes my body feel overwhelmed, there have been a lot of cold showers lately. I think about us sharing our thoughts, opinions even over the most mundane things like what kind of shampoo to buy.
It fills my soul with happiness that I found you and want to be with you forever. I never thought I would find someone who could make me feel like a whole person again the way you do.
I want to share my life with you. I want you to be there and I will be there for you.
You have consumed me heart, body, mind and soul. I want to only be yours from now until forever.”
Response to “People always fall in love…” dated 3/16/17
Hello baby, I was so happy to hear from you and glad that you had safe travels. I downloaded the… app to my phone and did both called & texted you. It was so good to hear your voice. That beautiful deep voice and I love the accent. I confess that I went to your business website and looked up your LinkedIn profile after I read your email yesterday. You are a seriously good-looking man and I have no idea what you see in me. My first thought after hearing your voice today was “Girl, you are in so much trouble are you sure you know what you’re doing?” Lol, no I have no idea what I’m doing but look forward to finding out more about you. I miss you too and look to that day when I can finally hold you.
I read your latest e-mail and I understand that people have flaws. It makes up who we are. I’m not going blindly into this with nothing but stars in my eyes and fantasies that life will always be perfect. That only exists in the movies, fairy tales and late night TV :). True commitment and love requires hard work from both people. I understand that each of us will bring our own personalities into this and hopefully there is enough love for each other to overlook them, accept them and continue on in spite of them. I am not perfect nor do I claim to be. I’m sure you are the same. You appear to be a serious individual, driven and purposeful. I am the same. Right now my life is pretty simple and easy because I decided to take time to step back and determine what the next steps will be after I graduate hopefully in the fall. I don’t think I told you about that.
I have been so determined to do the one thing that no one else in my family (besides my own children) have done by completing a college degree. I’ve been working on it on and off for over 18 years in between being mom, housewife, working full-time, working part-time and completing my military duties. So by the end of it I will complete a dual BSBA in General Business and Management with minors in Human Resources and Marketing. I still debate on pursuing an MBA or not. I was the first woman in my family to join the military and currently the only family member to ever retire from it. I don’t know at this point what I want to do with this degree. I know that I could probably work anywhere but finding a job with a purpose is my focus.
So I’m competitive by nature and can be argumentative but that is normally only when it comes to work. When I’m at home with my family I’m pretty laid back most of the time and well rather goofy. I told you I love to laugh. It’s one of the best ways to blow off steam and wind down sometimes…
Anyway as I was saying if I’m not having fun then I’m usually finding something creative to do.
So whatever flaws you want me to know about you just feel free to share. I’m sure I can handle it and by nature we are our worst critics.
I hope we continue to keep the lines of communication open. I enjoy your thoughtful and kind words. The passion you feel is coming through and makes me blush sometimes but fills my heart with joy. Just because I’m not used to hearing such passionate words that doesn’t deter me from wanting to hear more. 😘
At the end of the day I would still want to look into your eyes, tell you “I love you”, kiss you goodnight and wake up the next morning in your arms to start another new day.
Love you babe, be safe and hope to hear from you soon.”
Response to “Love changes a person…” dated 3/18/17
“Patience is not sitting and waiting, it is foreseeing. It is looking at the thorn and seeing the rose, looking at the night and seeing the day. Love is patient and knows that the moon needs time to become full.”
I found this quote today and thought of us.
In the beginning of this new relationship everything is exciting and makes everything seem so much brighter and happier. As it progresses and we become more and more in tune with each other’s subtle nuances the bond will become stronger and hopefully unbreakable.
That is where patience, understanding and trust become the important parts of the foundation of the life we want to build from it.
You asked me several times to trust you and I do. If I didn’t there would be no point in this continuing any further. You can’t build without trust in the plans, ideas and thoughts that go into it. It something you absolutely have to be sure of or it won’t work.
We talked about the images that have played over in our thoughts about us together and what it would be like, stated our feelings for one another, shared music that made our hearts joy play out for us to hear. These have provided the understanding of what we are feeling and it has been wonderful.
The temporary obstacles we currently face in actually getting to be together, our flaws, or any lingering doubts will tested by our patience. The Ted Talk video about the couple was her patience in knowing that he was the one for her no matter what happened.
I wanted to let you know that I am a very patient woman. I don’t go lightly into anything that I see as worthwhile and finding you was worth the wait. I feel and know this from the depths of my heart. I may be cautious but that’s an automatic keep myself safe reaction to anything. I have to see everything from all angles. Which is why I ask a lot of questions and I know it can become mundane or tedious at times. I’ve spoken before about the reassurance issues.
I don’t feel we met by accident, that I was meant to find you but I had to step out of my comfort zone first, be willing to open my heart to you, find the confidence in myself that I know is there, be vulnerable to all that comes with being in love and accept you in your entirety, flaws and all. All of this is overwhelming to me but I wouldn’t change it for anything in the world. Because I do love you, I do want to be with you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you.”
“Since I met you I don’t think of myself in the same way anymore. It’s hard to explain. I feel secure about the thoughts I have if that makes any sense. I previously toyed with the idea of making changes to who I was, how I approached things and the kind of relationship I wanted to be in. I was scared to change. That was actually the hardest thing to face that my own happiness has been in my own hands this whole time. I wasted so much energy and time because of not figuring that out sooner. I realized that I was worth more than what I had been told by others because you made me see that. You made me feel beautiful for first time ever. It still makes me cry because it is so overwhelming this feeling of being loved for just being me. The one thing I wanted most in life. I thank you for that. So even if things don’t work out between us, know that you made the biggest impact on my life from this point forward. I love you for being the wonderful man you are and always will.”
Last Email to this person after everything fell apart. Dated 3/24/17
I don’t know if you will ever read these words or if it will ever get to you but these are the thoughts running through my mind concerning you and us as I went on my nightly drive through the city.
First, I want to apologize for my hurtful words and actions yesterday. I never meant to hurt you in any way. I was being emotionally pulled in all these different directions and I didn’t stop and listen to my heart instead I listened to everyone else not realizing that not once did they ask me how I felt.
I didn’t care about the pictures you sent me, the job you have, the car you drive or anything like that. Those are just things. What I did care about was getting to know you the person behind the words we spoke to each other over the last month. That was the most important thing to me. It’s the one thing that kept me continuing to talk with you and I looked forward to it each day. It helped me get through some pretty rough emotions of late. I wanted to thank you for that.
Secondly, everything that happened yesterday made me realize that the boundary between me and my kids has gotten muddled over the last six months and I had to set them straight today plus remind them that I am their mother, it’s not the other way around.
After my drunken mess last night and my oldest son found out that I had sent you money, they got even more upset with me. I had to remind them that what I did with my own money is my business not theirs. As long as the bills, food, gas and other items are being taken care of then what I do is not up to them.
As for the money, I would have still sent it to even though we just met each other. I’ve never been one to turn people away if I can help them and it’s within my means. That goes against my nature. If a friend needs me to help and I can then I never make a promise that I don’t keep. I’ve been known to help out random strangers not because I’m looking for anything in return or praise but because as a person with integrity it’s the right thing to do. I’ve been told that I am too trusting of people and naive. I would rather be that way so when I draw my last breath on this earth I knew that I can go with a clear conscience that I did the best I could.
So I just wanted to let know this. Because I do love you with all my heart which is not something I take lightly. I told you the truth when I said I had never been in love with anyone before. No one ever made me feel so good about myself the way you did. It boosted both my self-esteem and confidence. Apparently a little too much so for my children who started questioning everything. We had a discussion about that as well. I reminded them that it was their idea for me to go online in the first place because they didn’t like seeing me mope around here. So they wanted me to find somebody to talk to. I did and I really liked him. Then they started shooting everything down and made me feel bad for it.
Well I guess that’s it. I wish we could just start over again because I miss talking to you. I enjoyed the poems, words or love and the songs we shared. If you decided that it isn’t going any further, I understand. Just know that you made me a better person, trusting, vulnerable and open to the idea of finding love. Something I never thought would be possible. That space in my heart, the void that had been waiting so long to be filled, got smaller when you first told me good morning on that first day. I will always keep that with me. Thank you. Love you always, Suzanne”
I don’t know if he ever saw this last e-mail. I received a last text from him and all it said was “I love you”.
The things that happened during that month changed how I viewed not only relationships but also how I viewed myself. I felt so confident and sure about myself then it after everything fell apart I started wavering again. I haven’t given hope though. I know that there is someone out there for me. We just haven’t found each other yet.
I know that as I continue on and the heartache continues to fade from this experience that I will eventually have a renewed sense of strength about love again.
Because without love, what’s the point?
Thank you for taking the time to read this.
Have a great week ahead.