April 24, 2017
In previous posts I talk about the depression and anxiety being the reasons why I’ve been therapy & counseling for over 3 years now. I made a decision on November 15th, 2013 that I was done with feeling the way I felt. Alone. So I started changing my life, little did I know at the time, that the depression and anxiety would be magnified by that decision. It’s been a constant struggle.
I finally decided to start facing my troubled past in 2016 and fighting back against the beliefs about myself that it had been instilled from a very young age. No one should ever have to hear words of hate, cruelty, jealousy, pettiness, anger, ridicule, and belittlement. It’s a tactic used by insecure, destructive, bullies lacking moral character who hate themselves and unfortunately they will target someone they believe to be weak that they can dominate. This was the life I led at home and at school from the age of 6 until I graduated high school.
This also the behavior I myself started exhibiting at the age of 12 until I was about 20. The anger I was carrying around resulted in me constantly getting into physical altercations with people while also ensuring that any connections I had would not last. Then while I was in the military attending anger management, counseling and meditation classes helped settle those emotions or so I thought.
In a recent counseling session, during the discussion, I finally said that I was angry at the people who treated me so badly and I broke down. Through the tears I realized that I’ve been still carrying around this anger from all the years of abuse and instead of it showing outward it began destroying everything inside of me. On the outside some people saw me as this calm, quiet, passive person. Yet anger was the reason for self-loathing, self-doubt, self-criticism and the inability to connect or fully love others. This is not what I expected. I had such a feeling of relief afterwards.
If you look up the definition of the word anger is says “a strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility”. Anger and hate are usually synonymous with each other. Hate is what I thought about myself all those years growing up never realizing that it was truly anger that I was feeling. I had always associated anger with the physical altercations that I used to get into but that emotion never actually went away after the anger management classes. Instead it compounded the depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts and self-deprecation. I had never truly let it go.
Anger is something often touted as something destructive but what if it isn’t? What if anger is actually our minds way of forcing change within ourselves? A way of protecting our soul from further harm. No matter how much anger one has for another person change cannot be forced upon the other. Its free will and self-determination that initiates the change.
The anger I was carrying around with me became my own form of retribution against the people who treated me badly. I used it to fuel my aspirations and drive to succeed despite the emotional turmoil I was constantly experiencing. They may have knocked me down continuously over and over again but they never broke my spirit, I got back up each time and it only made my will stronger. It made me resilient and battle weary but I’m still here.
I always envision anger as a fire that can burn and destroy things. Like a wildfire, it can spread quickly but can also be contained then extinguished by putting water on the fire. In the end, even though the fire destroyed the outer layer, it never destroyed what was underneath. Life will begin again.
Thank you for stopping by.
Have a great week!