It’s been a really hard day so far too many thoughts going in and out. I had to file the final taxes for my ex-husband this morning all the while my mood was already feeling blue despite my best efforts to calm the thoughts down.
I’ve never had good relationships with men. The trust issues I have and had would never let me feel comfortable around them. I let them use and abuse me sometimes. It was an endless path to no where. Hopefully that path is now closed but I don’t know yet.
Then one day out of the blue this “perfect person” in my mind corresponded with me and those feelings of mistrust went away. I regained hope for a good relationship and lasting one knowing that everything that was occurring was “too good to be true”. Then it ended as abruptly as it started. Now I’m stuck with these feeling and don’t know what to do with them. I turned them inward and started making personal changes. That was good but what about the feelings that still filter through my mind on a daily basis? What do I do with those? No one can answer that for me so I pray, to God, the Universe or Creator to help me. I still get back “patience” as the answer.
The depression and anxiety doesn’t let my mind be patient sometimes then I spew forth this word vomit that just has a mind of its own. It can be unintentionally hurtful to my loved ones and friends. So I found this place, blogging, as a way to get those feelings out to whoever wants to read it. It’s a safe place for my thoughts to roam without worry.
I was sitting there looking at my phone, at the number he texted from, I started writing out this long text, knowing full well that he will never see it but it made me feel better to put those words out there whether I pressed send or not. To release it from my thoughts and my heart so they wouldn’t be trapped anymore and affect the rest of my day.
Here is what I said:
“Hello, I know you are no longer at this number but I needed to put this out to the universe otherwise I couldn’t move on with my day. My heart and mind still misses talking to you. I miss the sound of your voice. I miss the songs we shared. I miss the things we talked about. I know that I could have never belonged in your world and you could have never fit in mine. I didn’t care, all I wanted was to be with the person behind the words. The person who brought light into my darkness and gave me hope & trust again. I will never be the same because of you. If and when I decide to try and find love again it won’t be the same, things will never feel the same. Sometimes I just don’t even see the point of letting that part of my heart go on, the heart wants what it wants. So I will get up each day, take a deep breathe in and face it alone without you. Knowing that at one point in my life my heart and soul knew what it felt like to be happy and loved because of another. It will become just another memory that I will recall with a wistful smile.”
So to you the reader, if you have a special someone in your life, hold them close and their heart closer. Tell them that you love them because the time we have is uncertain.
“The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.” – Eden Ahbez
Thank you for stopping by.
Have a good weekend and Happy Easter to those that celebrate it!