I live a pretty simple life. I go to school, take care of my children and our home. I have some hobbies that keep me busy and I am finally starting to enjoy some aspects of the life I live. I am a very guarded person when it comes to letting anyone into my life. Growing up in a toxic atmosphere made me that way. Trust has never been easy for me.
So when I meet new people at school, work or just out and about something that inevitably comes up are the words “Do you trust me?” or “Trust me.” I want to be able to trust people without hesitation like when someone holds out their hand to you but those nagging thoughts in the back of my mind tell me to be careful or the automatic thought of “What do you want from me?” pops up. It’s an old habit that is hard to break. It has also ended many friendships and relationships through the years.
My therapist is working with me on this and my personal boundary issues. Sometimes being too trusting of people has back fired as well. I end up letting them take advantage and don’t really know how to deal with them or that issue. Trying to find that happy middle ground has been a struggle.
I have spent too much of my time blurring trust and honesty to the point of worrying about what other people think of me and letting them shut down who I was to please them, to make them happy. In the end I lost a part of me and had to keep starting over and over again.
So for me being open, honest and trustworthy are paramount in order for me to be involved. This too has caused issues because most people view it as being too rigid and that I’m unrealistic in my expectations. I just wonder why? Why is it such a problem to be open, honest and trustworthy towards each other?
I always say “It is easier to be honest than to lie. Lies create more lies and in the end no one wins.” I would much rather have someone be honest with me, don’t sugar coat it, just pull the trigger and get it over with for both our sakes. I’ll survive, I always have and I always will. I have much more respect for people who are honest.
So for each relationship or friendship that is forged, I take it seriously, because if I didn’t like you as a person, I wouldn’t be there to begin with and I would tell you “Hey this isn’t working for me.” I would be nice about because I don’t want to ever hurt someone intentionally or unintentionally. Especially if we were just not meshing well. That goes against my personal nature to not harm another person unless of course if it was in self-defense. Then sometimes you do meet an oblivious jerk that’s when you just walk away from that and never make eye contact again. 😀
So in an age when most people don’t actually converse with each other face to face trying to determine how things are going is tricky but eventually the flaws will show through. If the flaws are too detrimental to the relationship of course it has to end but most of the time it is just a quirk and we all have those, myself included which is no big deal. You learn to live with those.
Sometimes, things just don’t work and it takes a strong person to admit to their own flaws as part of the reason for the friendship or relationship ending. That is another topic that we are working out in counseling, my own flaws that will eventually make an appearance and the other person will either stay or go. I can’t control their actions only my reactions to the situation. Blogging about this process took a lot of courage from me to completely open up and face my issues.
So hopefully, you the reader, understand where I am coming from. Look inward for the answers and hold on to your beliefs sometimes they will take you in a better direction.
Have a good weekend!